Clearly I've been away from my blog for a bit. I've been thinking of this post for some time now and although I will try not to write a hugely long post, I would like to offer some heartfelt words on where I have been. I started off 2014 returning to work full-time. I work in Production Accounting for film and television and took a small movie, locally. I was really excited to go back full-time, I felt ready and I was excited to work with new people. However, the show proved difficult (an understatement) and I found myself working extremely long hours and the environment became more and more stressful and tense. This certainly didn't leave much time for self-care and creative projects. What happened however, was something that I didn't expect, as the show was coming to an end it was like a brick hit me in the head and I suddenly realized that I was the square peg this time, I was odd man out. See without going into a ton of boring detail, this was a small, independent film, something I'm not used to with people who knew each other (some of them quite well, they'd worked together before). I come from a very different background and close to 14 years of studio backed projects, working with people who have been doing this a very long time and tend to run a pretty tight ship. It's neither here nor there and one way isn't necessarily better than, it's just what I'm used to. I pushed too hard in a world where my experience really didn't matter and all though I do not agree with some of the things that were done, or the way many things were handled, I take responsibility for not realizing sooner that I didn't fit there.
In the meantime I was stealing a moment now and again to check my favorite blogs or scroll through a few photos on Instagram late at night or while I crammed in lunch at my desk. Before I knew it that little thing called "blog envy" snuck up and tapped me on the shoulder. By the end of the show I was feeling less than, I was down, defeated and extremely tired. I hadn't the motivavtion for much of anything and just started slipping further behind. My creative life had pretty much been abandoned minus a sketchbook page here and there and now my job life seemed confusing. Did I even want a job in Prouction anymore? And, always the bigger question, now what? Let's just say it got a bit worse before it got better. I couldn't remember the last time I felt this way. I knew at some point it would be up to me, and only me, to start pulling myself together. And trust me when I say, too much time spent online looking at other people's lives can be relentless and exhausting. If I'm busy doing that I don't really have to focus on my own life, right? The problem is that all of that time on social media and other people's blogs and websites can make you feel inadequate and like you will never catch up, to what I'm not exactly sure.
So, come April (and I couldn't even believe it was April), I did what I could. Small steps here and there getting back into a routine, back in my studio, back to the gym, back to life. I decidedly spent more and more time away from the computer. I took a few small trips, Canada, San Diego and San Francisco to step away and seek that Inspiration which to me is like air. When I returned, I got organized, I can not stress strongly enough how important I think this is! You need to feel comfortable and at ease in your space. I had too much clutter and really just too much stuff in general. I cleaned out everything! I took the house and my studio apart and spent weeks putting it back together and getting rid of stuff. Shorlty after I finished I began work on classes I now offer here at my home and studio. I knew I just had to go for it, it felt awkward sending out that first email and flier about classes starting in May. But I did it, this was my first group in May.
What I didn't see until now was how all of this would somehow fit together. See, that crazy job lead me to really look at myself and the kind of person I am. I was less than proud of myself on more than one occasion during that show. It's hard to admit when you're wong or that you don't "fit" somewhere or with someone. Feeling so defeated after that job eventually is what sprung me to action here at my home and studio. Although not having work for some time can be difficult it allowed me to not only get really organized it allowed me the time to plan classes and that was my start. I am now doing art everyday, loving my home and studio and yes, I will be starting a job with Fox, a place where I "fit." I am happiest when I get to be doing a little of everything, working, playing, creating, traveling and simply being home. There is a place for all of these things, it's ok to wear many different hats. I can't be happy working crazy hours and not even seeing the outdoors for almost 5 days at a time or burried deep in my computer wondering why everyone else seems to be doing what they love; nor can I be happy if I am not making the time for art and creativity. I think I forgot how much I love just sitting and drawing.
The moral of the story, don't do what I did. Although it is clear to me that I needed to step away I didn't need to abandon the things that I love. When we do this we slowly cut off our oxygen. Whatever you can muster right now, do that, or keep doing that. A 30 minute bath, 30 minutes in a sketchbook or journal after everyone else is asleep, 10 minutes to meditate before running out the door... Whatever it is keep it. Keep at least one thing that is yours and that helps to keep your soul smiling. I have been lost this year and I was forgetting to look up and rememebr that life is happening all around us, all the time, and we need to be present so that we can see the things that truly move and inspire us. How else can we figure out the next step...
This is where I have been. Trying to figure it out. Knowing now that I did not see this "break" coming nor did I think it would last as long as it has. Trying on many different hats and realizing that I like wearing all of them. Figuring out how much of what fits where. Learning that I can work with the studios and still live a creative life. Understanding that Inspiration is everything. Embracing my imperfect self and learning to love her.